Uncomfortable. Very.

Our first full day without Tali. Ugh.

I realize that I kind of need to just "journal" right now....So probably, that's what this post will look like. Nothing super informative as far as practical information goes, just the process my heart is in with the Lord.

Church this morning was really good....Worship was good for my heart and our church fam prayed over Stan and I which was a definite blessing. We felt loved and honored. By the time church was over, though, I was SO ready for some solitude with Stan. I'm in such a strange space right now. This extrovert was definitely "peopled out" today. Church family, if you're reading this, please don't take it personally. We love you guys so much. Grief just does weird things to a person....

In talking to Stan tonight I realized I am uncomfortable in just about every way that a person can be. Physically, I'm uncomfortable because I'm 39 (almost) weeks pregnant! Enough said about that. I would WELCOME contractions right now. Bring it on.

Spiritually, I'm uncomfortable. I have so many unanswered questions for the Lord right now and I have no choice but to just let them sit, unanswered, and trust that in time He'll either give me answers, or just that His love and goodness will "cover" the unanswered questions and they'll no longer "NEED" answers. For now though, it just feels like a giant question mark between me and the Lord...and it just has to STAY that way. Ugh. It's okay, but it's not fun. Doesn't feel good. That's for sure.

Emotionally, I'm uncomfortable. "Situational depression," as it's called in the psych world, is super normal and makes complete sense given the circumstances in Stan's and my life right now. Tonight he said something like, "Yeah, staring at a wall sounds really good to me right now..... Doing nothing would be really interesting to me." My thoughts exactly. Not much motivation today, kinda feeling like a blob (not just because I'm hugely pregnant :) ), just sitting around aching. Not aching physically so much as emotionally. My heart feels like it's been torn to pieces and there's nothing that can be done, YET, to repair it. It just has to sit and BE this way. (Not forever, of course, but for now....and maybe off and on for quite a while.) I told Stan tonight that I think this is the worst part of grief -the prolonged aching. And as much as I try to figure out some way to make the ache stop or at least to get a break from it, there really isn't a way to. So here we sit.... just aching. Uncomfortable. Very.

So... I'm VERY uncomfortable spiritually, emotionally, and physically. The thing about all of this discomfort - and I just realized this a little bit ago in conversation with Stan - is that there HAS to be an invitation from the Lord in it for me, for us...because God is who He says He is, if for no other reason.... In the midst of our discomfort and pain, He reaches out to us asking for our trust, asking us to lean into Him instead of away from Him. To be honest, it's mostly easier for me to lean AWAY from Him because leaning INTO Him makes my heart more alive, which currently equates to having to feel MORE of the ache. Argh. So frustrating!! But I know from previous experience with the Lord that if I don't respond to Him in this, I'll miss out on things that He wants to give me in this season, ways He wants to bring comfort to my heart in the midst of the pain, ways He wants to reveal Himself to me as I share in the fellowship of His sufferings. Ugh...this stuff takes some serious courage. Saying "yes" to Him in this takes courage....and honestly, right now I'm not sure if I have enough of it. BUT.... I know He sees my heart and I have to trust that He will give me what I need to respond well to Him, to say "yes" to His invitations in this time. Father, I trust You. Help me trust You more. I'm weak. I need You. Help me, please. This is all I know to pray right now. Just help me....