What do I want?

I don't know. I wish I knew. What I DO know is that I feel a bit ill at ease... Actually.....

Actually, on the one hand, I feel total peace, knowing that our impending move to KC is the will of Jesus for us. Or at least, we genuinely feel like it is, and so do many of the important voices of counsel in our lives, as well as most of our friends. I'm excited about it. Saddened to leave Littleton for many reasons, but excited to be in KC again.

On the OTHER hand, while I am, and Stan is as well, experiencing the leading of the Holy Spirit in some major areas of our lives, there's another place in my heart that feels a bit empty.... numb maybe? I don't know. I just know that I am back to wanting to desire HIM again....WANTING to desire. That's a step away from actual desire. This may be shallow, but I want to FEEL desire for Him with my emotions. I have experienced it before. Is it not where God wants me to be now? How He wants me to experience Him now? Or am I off somewhere? Doing something wrong? These are the questions, and even fears, that I'm struggling with at this moment. All I know is that I'm back to that place of wanting to yearn..... like the Shane & Shane song that I quoted in an earlier blog. I'm singing it again tomorrow.... God, make it truly my prayer.

And Lord, speak to my heart.... I want you to lead me into the places that you have ordained for me to encounter you in this season of my life. Abba, I am so thankful that I am finding you over and over again in my marriage, in the Love of my husband for me.... I almost feel selfish asking for more... But God, I do want to encounter you in other ways also. Maybe what I'm looking for is something familiar in the way that you and I relate to one another. I don't know. I guess my prayer is just this: Purify my heart and my desires, Jesus. Especially my desires for You. I want them to be clean. I want to know You in the very core of who I am. I want to know your heart and your voice. I want intimacy with you that is deeper than I've had before. Purify me Lord.... Refine me.... A scary thing to pray, but God, you are worthy of my trust. You are good, you are faithful, and you are my Father. So take me Lord... Take my life... I want to know You more.... whatever it takes.