Honestly.... Things don't look good with Tali's case. Can't go into a lot of detail here, but basically, we are now up to two 4-6 hour visits with birth mom per week. Unsupervised. At her home or wherever she decides to take Tali. Soon they will move to overnights and we'll lose her for almost 2 full days (and one night in between) per week.
Honestly.... I am not okay. I know that I WILL be okay. But for now, I'm really not. I am finally feeling all of the grief that has somehow been held at bay for all of these months. I think we are really going to lose her. Good grief, I can hardly handle TYPING that. Makes it feel more real. But it is the reality of where we're at. I am super emotional...say one kind word to me and I just might cry all over you. :-P
Honestly.... I have more questions for God than answers, by far. I understand so LITTLE of what is happening right now, of the reasons behind it all in the grand scheme of things. And it seems like there are so few people in our world who can really identify with what we are walking through. It feels pretty lonely right now. Our families, friends, and church family do a great job of supporting, listening, and praying for us though, and we are so thankful for them.
Honestly.... I am thankful for the pain and loss that I've walked through in the past, thankful for how the Lord walked beside me through all of it...because looking back at His faithfulness THEN gives me courage as I face this season NOW. HE is the reason that I can say, "I know I WILL be okay." He is ALSO the reason I have the freedom to say, "Right now, I'm NOT okay," because I know I can trust Him to hold my heart through all of this. He is faithful, no matter what. He's faithful to keep my heart close to His, even when I don't understand His ways.
Honestly.... God could STILL do something huge and totally turn this crazy ride around. He really could. It is still what we are asking Him for.
Okay....one bit of upbeat news to close out this post: In 3 days we will have our 20 week ultrasound and hopefully be able to find out "Squishy's" sex....so Squishy will finally have a real name! :) We are super excited.
1 comment:
I hope this comment isn't going to be too long but I thought it was appropriate. I hope it helps put you at ease. Praying for you!
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
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